


The Struggle Between.

by IfInsanityWasSane



Category: TLOU2 - Fandom, The Last of Us
Genre: Depression, F/F, MAJOR TW, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:08:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25042912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IfInsanityWasSane/pseuds/IfInsanityWasSane
Summary: Ellie couldn’t take the hard force of life anymore. She had to leave it no matter what.PLEASE DO NOT PROCEED IF SUICIDE IS A TRIGGERING CONCEPT.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 73





	The Struggle Between.

The days leading up to this were so sweet.. at least to Dina. Every second I closed my eyes, Joel and Jesse was the only thing I could see. Every moment of silence that wrapped around me, all I could hear was the loud thud and the gunshot. 

Saturday Morning - 8:32 AM

I walked down the stairs slowly, yawning as I stretched my arms and met a beautiful woman in the kitchen.

“Ooh.. what’s your name?” I teased jokingly, wrapping my arms around my girlfriends waist tightly from behind as she started to rock us side to side.

“Mm.. good morning to you too. How’d you sleep?” She asked and I listened, her voice sweet and kind.

“Good. No nightmares.” I lied, pulling on a fake smile as I left a trail of kissed up her shoulder and along her neck. I stopped at her ear, gently biting her ear lobe.

“Oh? That’s good to hear.” I closed my eyes and suppressed a flinch as I recalled the nightmares from last night. Kneeling in someone’s blood. Abby slicing Dinas throat, ear to ear. Jesse begging for his life with half his face blown off beyond recognition. I gulped, pulling away from her warm neck. 

“Yes ma’am.” I teased, looking over the shorter girl’s shoulders to see the pile of dishes. “Where’s JJ?” I asked, taking a deep breath in.

Saturday Evening - 9:19 PM

We traveled to Jackson for the day with JJ under his grandparent’s careful watch.

Tonight was a bonfire. The fire roared in the middle, people sitting all around it on logs with a small crowd gathered behind us. I sat on one log with Dina right next to me, all eyes on me. Nervously, I started to strum my guitar.

As I took deep breaths in, I lost myself in the music. Before I knew it, I comfortably sang out the lyrics to Future Days without hesitation. My favorite song. 

As my fingers slowly came to a stop and the last chord rung out, the crowd around us cheered and clapped. I turned to Dina who couldn’t seem to take her eyes off of me the entire time.

“Wow.. holy fuck, El. That was beautiful.” She murmured, leaning into close the distance between us. She pressed a gentle kiss to my lips before putting distance between us again.

Sunday Afternoon - 3:25 PM

I locked myself in the bathroom. I needed release. These past few days have been.. suffocating. I pushed my ripped jeans down to my knees.

I took a deep breath as I switched open the blood stained knife in my pocket. 

I had to do this. 

I exhaled as the blade broke skin immediately, I had to stop myself from committing to any fatal damage. 

Not yet. Soon. 

I managed to make a few deep, blood seeping cuts in my thigh before startled by a loud knocking and a concerned, feminine voice from the other side of the door. 

“Babe? You in there? Spud is already sleeping.” I drowned in the sound of her voice, guilt crashing over me like boiling water.

“Uh.. yeah. I’ll be out in just a minute.” I stumbled out, pulling my jeans back up. When the rough denim scraped roughly against the fresh wounds, I had to bite down on my tongue to stop a yelp. I wipe off the knife on my jeans, returning it to my pocket as I opened the bathroom door.  
I soon felt skinny arms wrap around my broad shoulders and a face nuzzling into my neck. I stared off, distantly before being nudged into reality. 

“El?” She asked, pulling away to look at me. I took a moment, recomposing myself.

“Oh. Yeah. Hi.” I mumbled, wrapping my arms around her waist tightly. Her touch grounded me. In more ways than one. 

Monday Morning - 7:27 AM

I set my jaw as I scrubbed the dishes, trying to replace the topic of last night’s nightmares with something less stressful. I closed my eyes as I felt comforting arms wrapped around my waist. 

“Whatcha doin up this early?” Dina asked, pressing a light kiss the the nape of my neck.

“I- uh.. just woke up a little earlier than usual. That’s all. The hell are you doing up like this?” I turn around in her arms, my broken eyes merging with whole, peaceful ones. 

“Bed was cold. Missed my favorite idiot.” She smiled softly, and I felt my heart shatter into a trillion pieces. 

I opened my mouth to speak, but it only closed again. Words failing me.

“I-..” I stumbled, my eyes watering at the edges. I couldn’t look at her. 

If only she knew.

“Hey, babe? El, look at me.” She nudged my head in her direction. I saw hurt in her face as she took in my expression. Eyebrows drawn together. Eyes narrowed to hold back tears. My jaw set tightly. A pathetic sight, really. “I’m right here, calm down.” She wrapped tight arms around my neck, leaving my face to rest comfortably in the crook of her neck. Heavy breaths, in and out just as we had practiced.

I wouldn’t need these soon. 

Tuesday Night - 11:56 PM

I paced back in forth the barn at quick paces, hyperventilating as the ready noose hung from the ceiling. It seemed to taunt me. Begging for me to come closer.

I have to do this. I can’t live with this pain anymore.

I sat with my back against a stall, scribbling words quickly with no sense of though behind them.

“Dear Dina,  
Reading this means that I’m gone. It wasn’t your fault, babe. But holy fuck, it all got to be too much for me. Every time I close my eyes, their faces flash in my head like a movie. I hear screams. I don’t remember sleeping at night and not being awoken by their haunted faces. I’ve done wrong by so many. I’m no better than Abby. No better than David. No better than even the most heartless, cruel motherfuckers out there. 

Please forgive me. I couldn’t bare to put this burden on you any longer. I wish Joel never pulled me from that hospital bed in the FireFly base. I wish I never made you come with me. I’ve made so many mistakes.. all of them so unforgivable. I’ve hurt you so much.. what the fuck made you ever attracted to me..?

That night at the dance. Everything changed for me. I felt like I had a chance with you. The way you kissed me and reassured me.. it all means so much to me. I never deserved your love in the first place. No amount of paragraphs could explain what I’ve done, how I feel, what I need to do, any of it. “I wish things were different. But they ain’t.” Joe told me that one time. It’s such a sobering phase, isnt it? Take care of JJ for me. I hope Spud is old enough to remember me. He means so much to me. I love him. I love you. But I can’t love myself. And that’s why I’m not right for you. I’m so cold. The way your warmth flows through me? That’s enough to turn an army of evil men good. But, the conscious I carry is far more than an army. 

I wish you would burst through these barn doors right now, holding me in your arms and telling me it would all be okay. Telling me to move away from the rope. But you won’t. And I should accept that. I need to do this. 

I’m a danger to you and JJ. What if I hurt him during an episode? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. So much could go wrong with him in my care. So, I’ve decided to remove him from my care permanently. 

The sight you’re about to walk into will be burned into your mind forever. And I’m so fucking sorry for that. I didn’t know where else to go. I hope the bed isn’t too cold without me, babe. I love you. Always and forever. 

Love,   
Ellie.”

By the time I’d finish writing, tears choked me as I put the pencil down. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I forced myself to my feet, pulling a piece of tape from my pocket. I shuddered at the cold air around me, pressing the note onto the outside of the barn’s heavy door. 

There’s no going back now, is there?

I looked up, seeing a light turn on at the top floor. That was our bedroom. I had to be quicker than this.

Fuck.

I close the door back to the barn, standing still to fully think about everything. Take it all into perspective. 

“I have to do this.” I mumble, filling my lungs with air as I slowly stepped towards the stool. I lifted myself on to it, my fingers playing with the coarse, dangerous rope in front of me. Something in me hesitated. Something in me told me it’d all be okay and to climb down. Go hug her. Tell her everything. But I had to push that feeling down.

I set my jaw, pulling the rope over my neck as I closed my eyes. 

This is where I was really meant to be. From the start. 

I took one last deep breath in before kicking the stool back. The door opened. A scream. 

“ELLIE!” She shrieked. I opened my eyes, hoping she’d stay away. The oxygen left me, my vision going black in a matter of seconds. I felt at peace. This was it. And I could accept that.

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of the darkest things I’ve wrote in a while, and I had no plans of publishing it. I struggle with suicidal thoughts and depression daily, this is a tough topic that should be talked about more often. Remember, you’re not alone. And I love you.
> 
> Tumblr: @ifinsanitywassane - I do requests.


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